TODAY is the day!

My first group session starts today and I'm wrecked. I look like a ghost, my face almost as pale as my blonde hair.
Time to reflect a little:

Why am I scared?

- My grandma will be there, and what if she brings up my weight loss? This is a worst case scenario for me because I feel like it's really personal and I'd be so humiliated.
- What if the others don't like me?
- What am I going to do if something happens?

Ugh, so many worries. Come on, it's not like any of them will actually come true.

On another note, my energy is back! And I'm going to school. Ahh, so exciting (will kill some time).

Tomorrow is my first group session. I'm very nervous. To be honest, I don't want to go at all. If I was strong enough, I would walk into my psychologist's office and tell him that I'm done, just like that.

I have a doctor's appointment coming up on the 3rd. It will be very hard, but I'm going to ask if she can refer me back to the ward dealing with eating disorders. I definitely don't want any more hospitalizations, but I need someone to talk to who will understand what I'm going through and not just let me lie them straight in the face. it's just not right.

I'm underweight, and I keep losing. I need some advice. I need help. But I don't know if I really want it. And I know better than anyone what happens when I get treatment without really wanting it.

Me as of yesterday (November 22nd, 2010)

I was originally attempting to recover from my bulimia nervosa, and I was doing rather well, but recently I fell back. As of today I would be ED NOS (Eating Disordered Not Otherwise Specified), leaning more towards anorexia nervosa than bulimia nervosa.

Basically this means:

I am not underweight, but close to. I still have my period (I think). I do not eat enough, IF I eat.

There is more, but right now I've run out of time. Please ask me questions if there's anything at all you would like to know.